My magnetic field is stuck in reverse

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I repel money and success like a magnet that’s been flipped over.

I don’t know when I was flipped over. Maybe I was born wrong side up when the process of being born tried to kill me.

It could’ve happened at some point after that, when I was small and lived like a homeless nomad, sleeping on other people’s couches and borrowed beds.

Maybe there was no exact moment, just a collection of happenings, that turned me into an adult shaped person who didn’t know being something other than poor was a possibility or how houses turned into homes.

You know how Career/Life Coaches have the very annoying habit of asking what your young self wanted to be when you grew up?

I hate that question. It’s right up there with questions about passion. Vomit.

I don’t remember ever wanting to be anything. Other than home. I’ve lived my entire life with home sickness.

My mom says that once I wanted to be an Airforce Pilot. I don’t remember wanting to be that. For all I know I just really enjoyed Top Gun. (I may have been slightly in love with Val Kilmer.)

I didn’t know I could be anything, until the internet happened. The world was suddenly full of possibilities and people who were creating their success. And I could connect with them. It was eye opening.

But I still haven’t figured out how to flip myself over.

Most of the time I feel like the Law of Attraction and all the other shit the Money Magnet people are slinging is some kind of cruel joke. One that some Dream Slingers, use to lift themselves up while holding you down.

If the system, method, blue print, miracle thing doesn’t work for you, it’s because you weren’t doing it right. You didn’t try hard enough. You’re not positive enough. You are a crap person.

This is utter bullshit and a form of abuse. But when things like that are a part of your normal, it feels totally true. It is one of the reasons I’ve never been able to embrace and support the LOA movement. Which isn’t to say I don’t believe in LOA, I just don’t like the way it’s being taught.

“Having is evidence of wanting.” Carolyn Elliot

Say that out loud a few times, because it is super smart and an example of how LOA gets twisted. It is honest and sometimes difficult to swallow, but makes space for healing, change and growth.

When life is shit, it can be hard to take responsibility for it and admit that somewhere inside you there is a wanting. It is a wanting that is pure fear, self destructive and twisted. It is something that lurks in our darkness, in the shadowy places the Dream Slingers and Positivity Police don’t want you looking. It is something painfully hard to admit to.

This is does not mean taking responsibility for other people’s fucked up behavior or things that are completely out of your control.  Many in the LOA community have a bad habit of victim blaming and furthering abuse.

This means that somewhere inside, I have a wanting for being poor, a wanting for struggle. I want to be three months behind on my mortgage and on the verge of that homelessness I grew up in. Because it is normal, it is something known and therefore safe.

Having money is unknown and therefore unsafe.

Admitting to that hurts, but it is also an important step in shifting that want. It’s part of the healing.

It won’t matter how many programs, books, blueprints or magic pills you buy to master LOA and get your dream life if you can just wish for it in the right way, until you understand what Wants are holding you back, you’ll be stuck in a cycle of struggle.

I know that’s harsh, but it’s past time to stop shoving rainbows up our asses and vomiting glitter.

It’s time for embracing our shadows and dancing them outside.

 

 

 

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