Removing intuitive workings from my services kindof lead to a full stop of everything. Even art things. I thought I would miss it, that I would be eager to get back to it, but that isn’t what is happening at all.
Quitting has allowed me to let go of the hustle, the stress, the constant pressure to make this some sort of money making thing. I really thought that I would be more stressed about money. I still need it, still need a way to pay my bills, but the stress of trying to make it through art or intuitive services is gone.
Everything is gone.
Maybe I’m not an Artist or Medium or insert special title here. I was just pushing myself to make things so I could sell them. No one is buying, so why bother?
I haven’t touched my art supplies. Mainly because being a big quitter here has given me the space I needed to focus on my hand dyed yarn biz and get some things done there. I’ve really enjoyed having nothing to do but knit.
At this moment I could give away all my art supplies and not care. I could close down this site and not care. There is no passion or drive. Not that I ever had much of either of those things in my life.
It’s a strange space to be in. I don’t even feel the press of ‘shoulds’. It’s a vast empty void here.
It’s like all the years I spent trying to create some sort of biz/income for myself never existed. Like I’ve just been raising babies and knitting. I’ve never been successful biz wise, so there has been no change in my life as a result. It’s like I never did anything at all.
I’m just what I’ve always been, a crappy housewife. I say crappy not because there is anything wrong with being a housewife, I just really suck at it. Seriously. It’s amazing that my family has survived my cooking.
I was hoping that taking a break and letting some things go would open up space for some new opportunities, because maybe spending so many years focused on trying to make this biz work blinded me to better things. So far, that isn’t happening.
I’ll have to admit that I have no idea what I’m going to do. I don’t know that it matters.
And yet, there is the Creativity Coach part of me that knows that some of this is bullshit. It’s part midlife crisis, part transformation, part getting my shit together.
It’s a really weird fucking place to be.