WTF Did I Just Read is a regular feature (this is the first instalment) all about all the fuckery in romance & erotica fiction. I read this shit so you don’t have to.
The MC was a young ‘curvy’ (code for ‘fat’ but not really ‘fat’). She connects with the jock she had a crush on in high school. They get to the sex and he’s all you’re so beautiful & she’s all I’m such a fat virgin. And shit I couldn’t even read.
While they are having sex, he tells her he loves her, proposes to her, informs her that he is gonna put a baby in her. And somehow has a ethical non-blood diamond diamond in his fucking pocket to give her. She is so happy and says yes to everything because how could a shy fatty not?
OMFG people. Really?
Sure if you’re ok with fat shaming and a complete suspension of your brain.
But he loves her & she’s getting laid. How can that be a bad thing? Be grateful for that pity sex. Bonus points for rushing to the getting married part, because premarital sex is bad.
This story is supposed to be about a girl who has some bad shit happen to her, but she grows up to be independent and takes care of herself. Hell, she has a ‘dangerous man job’ and goes into seedy parts of town all on her own. Badass right?
No. It’s not safe for women to be out alone. She shouldn’t be wandering around with a man to protect her. To prove this point she is attacked. Which is totally surprising because we know she safely hid all her curvy bits under a trench coat. She is not a slut, y’all.
This also works as a great way for the man she is looking for to swoop in and save her. My Prince! Not that she really needed it. She totally kicked that attacker in the balls. Badass remember.
She doesn’t recognize her savior as the man she is looking for, because of beards. In real life beards work like Wonder Woman/Supergirl/Superman glasses. You put a beard on and no one knows who the fuck you are.
He recognizes her as a girl from school, because she doesn’t have a beard. Just a trench coat, that she’s stuffed her secret hotness into like a brown paper bag.
He tells her has info on the guy she is looking for and she should come back to his place. She’s smart. She hesitates. Then gets over it. It’s totally ok to go home with the stranger who just saved your ass, even if he looks like he has bodies hidden in his beard. Whenever a man rescues you, you must instantly trust him 100%.
I mean, it’s not like he’s a real stranger. Sssshhh she doesn’t know that, only us readers and Mr. Beardy know that.
They go to his creepy dumpy apartment where she realizes this is the man she’s been hired to find, one she knew in high school. Oh the embarrassment of being a fatty in front of your high school crush!
He doesn’t care though. She’s got a cute face.
She is still nervous. Maybe she should leave. Nope it’s fucking raining. When it is raining you have to stay where you are, even if you could be in danger. Women can’t get rained on. We’ll either melt like witches or multiply like Gremlins. Bad business all around.
He starts undressing for no reason other than to continue to be creepy, even though the author keeps telling us he is a nice guy. She doesn’t watch. She is a lady. Not a whore.
It turns out, he needed to change his clothes so she could be totally certain it’s highschool jock boy or some shit.
Now that she knows for sure who he is, everything is totally cool. She kicks her shoes off and sits on the bed with him (bachelor’s don’t have chairs). Everything is totally not sexual and totally safe. It’s made obvious because he is leaning back, stretching out and relaxing. Not tensely perched ready to pounce on her. Not that she’d mind, heh heh the plump little minx.
Anyway, they can’t have sex yet. He needs to save her again so she knows he is a real man and she can keep not being slutty. Que bad guys!
Then there is more rescuing, but she is unconscious to she misses it all. Her state of unconsciousness gives us all another chance to see what a good person he is though, because while he really wants to take her bra off so she can breath better, he doesn’t touch her.
Mr. Beardy is a gentleman, because girls are weird about having their clothes fucked with when they are passed out. He piles a bunch of coats on her so they are both safe from the temptation.
They are in a luxury hotel, because he is disgustingly rich. His family is evil so he’s been living as like a poor dude because he is good. His rich evil family wants him to get married and have babies so they can expand their evil empire.
He is totally against this, but he can’t let his evil brother, who makes Hitler look like a kitten, take over the family fortune. Poor guy can’t get a break. I hate it when you are forced to be horribly rich for the good of all mankind.
She wakes up happy to find herself safe and not raped. She is so glad he saved her. He is so glad her face is pretty and she’s got big boobs, but he has a past. He’s done bad things. Will he still get to see her boobs after she’s learned that he really is bad?
The suspense of this was totally killing me while I was reading.
He confesses his sins. He’s killed. It was a righteous killing, so totally forgivable. Just in case she still wasn’t sure she should have sex with him, his evil twin breaks into their room and points a gun at them. Mr. Beardy handles it like a pro, because he is. He’s trained with some Asian dude he met in the streets. He promptly calls the police, because you can do that when you are a rich white guy.
The police come. She has to explain why Evil Twin is handcuffed, because heaven forbid it is implied anywhere that she might be a little kinky. She is a badass P.I. one of the few acceptable reasons for a unwed woman to be carrying handcuffs. She is innocent and pure like all single women should be.
They finally get to sexy time.
She is nervous. It’s understandable. So she hides in the bathroom, freshening up, ditching her yucky wet panties (heavy petting has consequences like reminding you not to be a such a slut), and giving herself a pep talk. She showers, puts her clothes back on, minus the sin panties, and finally comes out of the bathroom.
They finally get to sexy time.
She lets her big girls out. Which is a polite way of saying fat lady lumps. He drops trow. She nearly faints over the size of his junk. This always makes me imagine dudes modeling whale penises. She is a virgin and giant penises are scary.
She won’t let him take her pants of, because there is no way a guy can know how pants work on fat girls. Removing tight jeans from your fat ass takes practice and skill. So she flops around on the bed like some sort of insane worm.
They finally get to the sexy time.
It’s a quick slam. Wham bam. I love you ma’am. Merry me. I’m sticking a baby in you right fucking now. Have this ethically sourced diamond I’ve been hiding in my shoe or where ever rich dudes that have been slumming it hid their diamonds.
Her body shame is instantly forgotten because a man has just validated her. He proposed so she is safe from the slut shaming she’s been working so hard to avoid. He is rich so she can stay home and be a good proper baby machine.
Lady life goals: Check!