Tag: want

There is another life out there and I want it.

I’m not happy.

Yes, I have things to be happy about and I love everyone one of them, but I’m not happy.

This isn’t the life I want to be living. It’s a total asshole thing to say. It’s selfish. It’s like telling my husband he isn’t good enough. Which isn’t remotely true.

Maybe discontent is a better word. No. No, it’s not.

There is too much content-ness going on here. Settled. Comfortable. Suffocating. Binding.

I want something different. Long for. Crave.

The ache of this unknow unlived life pulses with every beat of my heart.

The pounding of a drum trying to change the dance without knowing how.

I want to travel. Let my bare feet touch the ground in new strange places. Stay long enough to know if I’ve found a new home.

I want a wildly successful business that supports me in every way. That sets me on fire and helps me spread that fire. Burn the world down.

I want lazy mornings in bed. Sheets that feel like heaven against my skin. Sex.

I want clothes that help me feel amazing. That fit. That are just as sexily geeky and gothy as I am.

I want a healthy body. One that performs all the tasks I need it to. Without suffering. Body love with ease.

I want a home to come home to. A house with working parts. Comfortable and beautiful spaces. Welcoming spaces. Sanctuary.

I want a car. Maybe two. A classic car that screams sex. The perfect gleaming black paint job. A truck that works hard. Roaring engine. Mud fling tires. Ever part performing to perfection. Creams jeans.

Bonfires. Starry skies. Chocolate. Full body massages.

It gives me the chills just thinking about it. The good chills. The ones you get when your lover brushes their lips along your naked skin.

Want is a tricky bitch

You can do, have, be whatever you want. What do you want?

What do you want your life/biz to be like?

Who do you want to work with?

These are just a few of the Want questions that I get asked (and I sure you have) that make me want to punch people in the throat. Not because they are mean people or bad questions, but because I don’t fucking know the answer. And that is a huge problem.

I can tell you all about what I don’t want. That is easy. Ask me what I want and I’m filled with a blank void of panic. The questions are too big, too full of possibilities.

Sure, I know I want to be able to buy food and pay my bills. Having a reliable car that my whole family can actually fit in would be nice too. But those things seem small and don’t fill up the vastness of Want.

I had planned on writing completely different post, when I realized the Universe has been trying to send me messages about Want.

For example, we needed a vehicle that was 4 wheel drive, seats 6 and hauls firewood. I decided I wanted a quad cab pick-up. I started shopping around and saving up money. We made trips into the city to test drive a few. We didn’t buy anything right way. My husband got offered a amazing deal (as in zero money involved) on an older regular cab pick-up and took it. We now have a pick-up that meets half our needs.

I’m free to choose to look for a different type of rig (which is fine) but now I no longer have the money to do so.

This type of thing happens over and over again.

I get frustrated and say “That’s not what I wanted!” and the Universe replies “If you don’t know what you want and act on that want, you can’t have it!”

Plus my husband and I have a terrible habit of Making Do, that I’m trying hard to break.

The Universe is right. If I can’t clearly ask for what I want and let it be known what I want, I’ll never get exactly what I want. There needs to be a clear ask + no making do.

The Universe has been working so hard to get this drilled into my brain that I actually just finished reading a fiction book about a Witch that doesn’t know what she wants and ends up getting her life rewritten into someone else’s story. Change her name to Delisa and take out all the paranormal and you’ve got my story. Holy fucking 2×4 up side the head Universe.

And like her, I didn’t get what was happening until someone (in my case the book) brought my attention to what was happening.

Maybe you are a little freaked out by Big Wants. That is totally ok. I don’t think that we always need to be 100% certain of the Big Wants every moment of our lives. Because know you what? They change. They grow and expand along with us.

We can start with Small Wants. Wants that are just a feeling, but we don’t know (yet) what it looks like.

For along time after learning that Creativity Coaching & Intuitive Painting Workshops were a thing, I thought I wanted to hold in person painting/coaching retreats where we could paint outside and be all arty and shit. Sounds cool right? It is, but it took me awhile to realize it wasn’t really my dream. It was something someone else was doing that I thought sounded like it would be cool.

When it came down to actually making something like that happen, I didn’t really have the passion needed to do it, so they fell flat. For along time I thought I didn’t have a passion for anything. Every time someone asked what I was passionate about and I didn’t know what to say, I felt like there was something very wrong with me.

There is nothing wrong with me & if you’ve ever felt that way there is nothing wrong with you either. (that is a whole other post)

What keeps me from figuring out what my Wants are? Fear.

You know, the whole be careful what you wish for because you might get it, thing?

What if I get what I want only to discover that isn’t really what I wanted or it totally blows? What if my Want goes against someone eles’s want?

It is an asshole of a fear. I can’t keep giving into it and live a fulfilling life.

What do I want? I’m not sure yet, but I’m going to find out.

What do you want?

 

P.S. This isn’t the post I had intended to write today. If you are curious (and you always should be curious about something) the book I read is Witch’s Bell by Odette C. Bell (non-affiliate link)