At the beginning again. Sort of.

mapadventure

To new adventures & shit…

Sometimes I give the appearance of being wishy-washy, indecisive and flighty. In truth, it's not that I can't make up my mind, I only have an utter lack of faith in myself and my ability to have what I want. Along with the added bonus of loving to try new arts and crafts. The unwavering belief that anything and everything I do must earn its keep, sends me chasing dollar signs down every ally and changing my business every five minutes.

It's not good for myself or my business. There is a huge balloon of avoidance tied to all of this. A balloon that continually shoots around the room as the air escapes.

I'm aware that I do this. I've been aware of it for some time, but it hasn't stopped me from repeating the cycle. Being aware of something doesn't make it easy to stop doing.

I have been an artist in some form or another probably my entire life. While I don't remember anyone ever telling me that I couldn't be an artist, I still formed the idea that it was something for other people and not for me. I have a tendency to believe most things are for other people, but not me. I'm working on that.

I used to make my dad grade my coloring pages. Then change the grade to something lower if I felt he hadn't graded them correctly. I used to write ridiculous paranormal short stories as a teen. I have a deep love for photography, but never pursued it.

So I'm trying again. Trying to stick with my art at the front and center of what I offer, with keeping hobbies as hobbies, with a writing practice.

No more throwing everything out there to see what sticks, to grasp at pennies or conform to what I 'should' be doing.

This is something I have tried to do many times and failed at many times. Part of that was because I wasn't fully giving myself permission to make the art I want to be making. I was still choosing to do things based on whether or not I thought I could sell it.

I'm afraid that no one will like my art. That no one will understand the energy or frequency of it, I'm afraid no one will buy it. I will invest money that should be spent on surviving and it will turn out to be a giant waste. I've wasted so much money taking wrong turns.

This is where I am. The same place I've been many times, but my hand-drawn map is mostly filled in this time.

 
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